Learning and Stretching and Loving

It's still weird, and so beautiful, to me that Jesus has made me a mother. It makes me feel so many things all at once. (Me? A mom? Yay a baby! Wait, I'm not ready! Is it time to hold my child yet?!) I'm scared of the challenges and changes ahead but joyous over the gift I've been given. There's already been ups and downs to the whole motherhood thing, and believe me, I know it's juuuust the beginning. I know that, really, this part of my life has barely started, but experiencing even the preliminaries of it all has been something needed for me. I heard the lines of a Mat Kearney song while I was writing this post that simply said,"....learning to love again..." I couldn't think of a better phrase to describe what I feel God is teaching me right now. I'm encountering new levels of love in many aspects of my life: 

for myself: 

in the learning to appreciate how my body is changing and stretching, learning to love how God created me to bear this child.

for our growing child inside me:

in the way I realize that loving our baby will take time. I might not feel an overwhelming, thrilling connection every second of every day to him/her. That's not what love is anyway. It's making the daily choice to cultivate a true relationship, to put it's needs above my own, to invest. Because I can't physically hold, soothe, correct, have a conversation with, etc. with the babe yet, right now 'investing and cultivating' is simply seeing that it's .not. all. about. me. My baby needs me to take care of myself. (Take vitamins! Drink water! Cut back caffeine! Proper exercise! REST! Wait for Jonathan to come escort me around so I don't fall on the sheets of ice everywhere!) Whatever needs to happen in order to nourish and keep the baby safe during this time needs to be done regardless of how I may feel. It's how I can love on our babe even now. 

in my relationship with Jonathan:

I don't know what it is, but our marriage has gotten much deeper and richer. We've been through very hard things together in the past year: death of close family members, almost losing a job, separation, pregnancy (yes, pregnancy is wonderful but it is also hard...on both of us). We've come through all those things stronger. There's an incredible joy we've both noticed with each other that's increased over time. By God's grace, this whole marriage thing really does get sweeter by the day. I don't deserve an earthly relationship like this. 

and finally in my relationship with my Heavenly Father:

Fear of the unknown future as always been a struggle of mine. To be blunt, it's sin and I need to treat is as such. Thank God for His patience and love with me. He has calmed me and convicted me when I needed it. Through all this He's taught me that He loves me very, very intimately.

In summary: you may ask, 'What's it been like, finding out and learning motherhood so far?' It's hard for me to answer, mostly because it's still so new and I have so much to learn but words that come to mind are: Strange. Wonderful. Physically exhausting. Thrilling. Emotional. Beautiful. Hard. Joyful. 

As I said before, I'm simply learning to love again and what an adventure it has been so far. 

Ok, now that we're done with the serious stuff (just kidding, but really) and since this post is about becoming a mom, I suppose it's appropriate to share one of the ways I'm becoming like my mom. You see, I'm an self-diagnosed paper nerd. I love journals, notebook paper, pencils, hand written letters, etc. I get this from my mom, and I'm totally alright with that. Recently she gifted me with what you'll see pictured below. She has one and has been trying to talk me commit to one for awhile now. I'll not go into all the juicy details, but let's just say that when I opened the package I squealed out of excitement. It's just sooo perfect for my needs right now. And the color! That heavenly color of teal that I may or may not obsess over a little too much at times. Let me introduce to you, my planner. 

I totally understand if this isn't you're thing but I'm pretty excited about it. To save you from boring details, I'll sum it up by saying that this planner has my calendar, grocery list, daily reminders, wallet, to do list, tid-bit journal, business info, address book, and baby needs all wrapped up in one beautiful and portable (fits in my purse) place. It's just so dang handy for a scatter-brained person like me. So yea, I'm unashamedly and strongly recommending this to all you ladies out there. Go get you one!

 And thank you, thank you, thank you Mom for such a thoughtful and useful gift, you're amazing.

If you're still reading this lengthy post, bless you. I'm just now getting back to regular blogging and it feels good, kind of therapeutic even. I guess all my pent up writing spills out at once when I actually take the time to sit down and do it.  Allllll that to say, here's how my life is going, here's how me and Jonathan are, and thank you for taking time to read and follow along with us! 

I'll end with my latest letter to Baby Rodgers below. 

Dear Pickle, 

I'm so glad that when you finally get here it will be warm outside! It's been so so cold here and it gets to me at times. Me and your Dad love the snow, but I'm so ready for everything to thaw out and meet you that it's making it reeeaaallly hard to wait. We should find out if you're a Boy Rodgers or a Girl Rodgers at our next appointment in about two weeks. Either way, your Dad says you're a snowboarder ;) I have felt small movements from you here and there. My breath catches every time. It's just thrilling to have physical confirmation of your presence inside me. Keep growing, ok? I really notice the bump you're making in my body, I just want everyone else to see it and notice you too! We all love you so much already. For now, you're safe and warm inside, and I love that. We're connected. Me, you and Daddy. I hold you inside, he holds us. We're a family now. And as much as we're looking forward to really being able to touch you and smell you and look at you, we're so enjoying this miraculous part of our lives right now.

Love, 

Mom & Dad

An (overdue) Update

I feel as if I need to brush some cobwebs and dust of this blog. You may or may not have noticed that we haven't been posting much personal stuff on here at all. The truth is Jonathan and I have been under tremendous amounts of stress lately. Before you start to worry, we're both fine. No major health issues or anything (Praise Jesus!). To save you from an extended post full of boring details, I'll just sum up what's been going on like this:

For the past couple months, through various circumstances, we had every reason to believe that Jonathan was going to lose his job. It was a long process of questioning, worrying, crying and both of us being honestly stressed to the max. We knew that whatever happened, God would provide. We knew He wouldn't let us down. But that didn't keep the feelings of fear from circling and clawing all around at times. God was testing us, I'm sure of that. And He was also weaving evidence of His faithfulness throughout. We saw it in His claimed promises, the support and prayers of friends and family, and how Jesus provided everything we needed throughout. 

I'm humbled to say that God has had great mercy on us. Jonathan not only got to keep his job, but he got the position he's been working incredibly hard for the past two years! I don't know why our Heavenly Father loves us in the ways He does. It's so intimate and passionate and faithful. We don't deserve His graciousness in our lives. 

This was a trying time for our marriage. Me and Jonathan had to work through issues of trust and depending on one another. I have to say how incredibly proud I am of Jonathan. He pressed on in the face of failure and bravely did what he needed to do to be the provider for our family. I'm honored to be his wife. Our love and commitment to each other has been greatly increased through all this. We've found that there is always blessing and beauty. Yes, even in the barren. 

So there you are, an update (just in case anyone was wondering what was happening in our lives). We know that, in our lifetime, we will most likely face things much bigger and scarier than a job loss. We know that our troubles never really end this side of eternity. And furthermore, there are people we know who are, at this very moment, facing overwhelming and debilitating trials. We're not even remotely comparing what they're going through to our situation. But what we are doing is taking time to thank God today for pulling us up from the waves of this storm and bowing humbly amazed at how He works. 

To sum up, our days lately have been simple ones. We've been enjoying the Christmas season and all that Jesus is blessing us with through it. The Christmas tree is up, presents have been bought and we're so excited about the upcoming extra time with both sides of our family. We hope and pray you can do the same today, no matter what's going on. If your Father in Heaven can give you His Son, willingly with no withholding, He can also give you His grace to carry you through the coming storm. Trust in that for whatever lies ahead. 

Starting Over

It's here! We can finally let you all in on the secret we've been working on for the past few months!

Say hello to the new name for our business:

That's right, from now on J & B Photography is no more. We're moving in a new direction with fresh motivation and we couldn't be more excited. Because the official website for our photography isn't ready yet, we had to make this announcement via our personal blog (more details on the coming website and how it's going to affect this blog later). For now, I'll start off with saying that we've been wanting/needing to grow our photography business for some time now. So in the last few months we began seriously thinking about some practical steps we could start taking to advance our business. The first obvious change we felt needed to happen was a name change. To us, J & B Photography was simple and to the point but a very safe route to go. We wanted to stand out, to stick in people's minds and make them curious to find out what the story is behind our work. As you know, Light & Letter has been the name of our personal blog for quite awhile. When we started brainstorming about new names for our business, the thought crossed my mind to use that same name for our photography but I wasn't sure it was the way to go. That was until Jonathan suggested it one day without me saying anything to him myself. It was so exciting to see that we were on the same page without having even discussed it together yet. The more we talked it over it just made perfect sense.  Instead of compartmentalizing our personal blog and our photography business into separate areas, we're excited to finally have the ability to merge our passion and work into one unified idea. Why didn't we think of this sooner, right?

And in case you're not sure of why we chose the name Light & Letter in the first place, let me explain: The word 'light' symbolizes the photography aspect of our business and is represented by the lightbulb in our logo. Without light, capturing the pictures we want to simply couldn't happen. The medium of light is one of the main tools used in crafting and capturing the images we produce. 

The word 'letter' is obviously geared more towards symbolizing the blog part of our business and is represented by the feather quill in our logo. We don't want to just share images from life. We also want to weave letters into words and sentences that display all parts of the stories we encounter. 

We believe that photography and words, when paired together, become a unique and beautiful way to translate the world around us. And that's just what we've been aching to do. Our dream and hope is that Light & Letter becomes a place of carefully sought out moments, captured forever. A place of well-chosen words that inspire and encourage. A place for your story to be told. 

Lord willing, we're launching the official website at the beginning of next year. I know, that's forever away and it's killing us to wait. But we need the time to get everything perfected and in place before we make the big reveal. This post was just to announce the new direction for our business and honestly because we couldn't hold the news back any longer. We had to tell y'all something! And once our logo design was finished, we thought it was a perfect time to let you all in on the secret. For now, I will continue posting here as I usually do, but changes are coming as soon as the website is ready. Obviously it's going to become the place where we display our photography and all business aspects of our work. But it very well could become where I keep up my regular blogging as well. As the time gets closer, we'll let you in on all those decisions.

And be on the lookout out for new changes and updates on the Facebook page. We still have some things to share! Oh and did we mention that once the website is up, there's going to be a killer giveaway? That's right! Who doesn't love giveaways, amen? You're going to want to keep a close eye on details for that, trust me. We're super excited to use a giveaway as an avenue to get our name out there and thank anyone and everyone who's shown us support through this process.

Thank you all a thousand times over for the all the ways you have encouraged us through this process. We're excited, nervous and so ready for this new adventure ahead. God is faithful in so many ways and we give Him all the praise for the Fatherly guidance we've received from His hand on this journey.  

Here's to new adventures and new beginnings!

Letting in The Light

You hold this fragile thing called a dream in your hand. It glows small, just a glimmer in the dark for now. But you know (or you hope anyway) that the blaze will catch; that full illumination will come. And that everything you've worked for won't be snuffed out, that somehow, just maybe, this flickering light of a dream will survive on it's own one day. It's thrilling and dangerous and wonderful to step out into unknown dark. And maybe, you're thinking, all of our stories should be written like this?

Maybe we're all meant to live this way; always entering the open wide of uncharted life and straining for what waits ahead. Maybe we all need to leave behind the comfort of...well...comfort itself.  I know the fear that comes with this thought process though, I've felt it strongly lately. We haven't just had to think like this but live like this for awhile now. Jonathan and I have been thrust waaay out of our comfort zone in the last couple weeks and I'll be honest, I've crumpled under the fear more than once. I've played that debilitating-smothering-what-if-game and wondered, trembling, how God was going to work this all out, or if He even cared about what was happening. We've all been there and done that and to sum up: 'Lord forgive Your desperate, doubting children.'
How we need Him, amen?

God is faithfully stretching us and spreading grace into the the worn-thin places. It hurts good, it's very uncomfortable but really this is what we've prayed over our lives for awhile now. We don't want to be complacent. We want our lives to have eternal purpose and meaning. And we're learning that maybe what that look like is something totally different than what we originally thought. But isn't that what it's all about? Surrendering our ideas and expectations over to the Father so He can mold and weave them into the beautiful story they were intended to create. So we're lifting high our fragile dream into the dark, letting His light inscribe itself into our pages and realizing that, until He shines His glory through, we're naught but ephemeral shadows.

Here's to the victory found in Jesus Christ. Here's to having the privilege of being made His example to the world through what He does in our lives. We weren't created to live safe lives (that is 'safe' as the world defines it anyway). Because no matter where God leads us, we're always safe in Him. Here's to the pain of Divinely appointed transformation and the truth that, no matter how much it hurts, it's always worth the result. Our Father doesn't work without a purpose. May we simply trust in the heart of the One who works all for our good and His glory. May we allow the the ink of His holy light to etch out each letter of our eternal story. Herein is the ultimate realization of all our hopes and dreams.


"To them God chose to make known how great among the
 Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, 
the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all 
wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, 
struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me."
Colossians 1:27-29

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power
of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
Romans 15:13

"I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the 
Lord; that is My name; My glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth 
I tell you of them."
Isaiah 42:6-9

ps. Don't forget, we're making the big J & B Photography

announcement this Monday (yay!) Be sure to like our 

Facebook page so you can be the first to see what we're

so excited about sharing with y'all!

A Prayer

May we, in all the fullness we receive, turn to You and let Your light shine through. May Your glory be displayed in us during the times of abundance, when we are heavy laden and overflowing with good.

May we not forget You then. 

And then, when the skies cloud over and the stripping of us begins, may we praise You still.  When the colors are drained and we feel the barren fear clawing at the hollow inside of us; may we wave triumphant even with these empty hands. Give us the grace to not blame but bless Your sovereignty.

For the truth is, You have ordained it all. You give and take away. Your ways are not ours. Who are we to doubt You? We admit our weakness and acknowledge Your strength. Therefore we call upon You to give us the courage to stand, rooted and grounded in You, against the onset of storms. 

And in the end may we learn that whether we're accepting blessings humbly by adorning ourselves in all Your gifts or opening wide our hands to let You take them away; it's all beautiful to You. This is how we must live, being filled to emptiness, so that all we have is You.
 Help us to do this, Father. 

Amen 


....fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, 
for I am Your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, 
my glory and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord,
 and He answered me from His holy hill.
Psalm 3:3-4

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. 
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.
Psalm 37:5-6

Dreaming & Scheming {with truth}

What are your dreams, your life goals? Maybe it's to be a wife/husband, a parent; to raise a family. Maybe it's to have a stable lifestyle or run your own business. It could possibly be to own a house, or write a book, or travel the world. Or maybe, just maybe....it's to be a photographer for National Geographic and a missionary in a foreign country at the same time.    
(Ok, that last one was my dream as a teenager, and then I married a guy who loves photography and has a heart for missions so maybe God? One day?)
I don't know what your dream may be, but what I do know is that almost anyone could could say that they want to have purpose in their life. Everyone wants to just be honestly and wholly content in what they're doing everyday. I realize that what that looks like is different for each person. But (from personal expereience) the truth I'm coming to realize is that, no matter what your dream is, sometimes it's what you hoped it would be, and sometimes? It's just....not.

There are two sides to dreams and working them into reality: sometimes working towards them is thrilling, soul-bursting, joyful and fulfilling. You're doing what you love and you know it's where you're supposed to be. You're at home in this element and motivation comes easy. You know that this is what you want to do with your life.

And then sometimes working for your dream is tiresome, mundane, and grinding. You have nights of staying-up-late-until-your-eyeballs-ache-from-exhaustion kind of nights. You fight with your spouse because you both have conflicting ideas about where you want your dream to go. Nothing is clear and everything feels out of your control. You cry and feel a bit addled because you're not sure what the next step is?  Sometimes realizing your dream is just.plain.hard.

But more and more…..I'm learning that what 'realizing your dream' really means is surrendering.

My Heavenly Father knows our heart. He created us with these desires and abilities and He wants us to be fulfilled, to find meaning and purpose in our life. I'm finally seeing that the only way to do that is by surrendering my hopes and dreams to His plan and sovereign will. 

Surrendering our dreams to God's will doesn't necessarily mean that everything will magically get easier. In fact, giving over yourself to Jesus Christ and His plans might be the hardest thing you've ever done. It's an ongoing process that's scary and most definitely not safe. No, living a life surrendered doesn't mean it's all smooth sailing. But what it does mean is that we'll have the grace to keep going on the hard days. It means we'll have the Holy Spirt's wisdom renewing and guiding us all along the way. And above all else, whatever we do for the glory of God is never, ever in vain.

Where are you at as you read this? Are you in the adrenaline rushed phase of seeing your dream come to fruition or in the toil and struggle of working hard to actually make it happen? Or maybe you're in the third place: reevaluating everything about what you thought you wanted and surrendering it all to Jesus.

Honestly for Jonathan and I, it's a combination of the second and third place. We're longing to really get our photography business off the ground and it's not exactly easy right now. But God is pouring grace and encouragement in from unexpected places and we're praying for the self-discipline needed to complete the task set before us.

Many of my friends and family are in one or all of these places. I want them to know how proud I am at their stepping out in faith and having the courage to not give in to complacency. I hope they know that I sympathize with their pain in waiting and working as well. And for all, I ask God to give them His wisdom for their personal journeys.

To sum up: I could go rambling on with more words and pictures but that's not what we need. I'll end the post by asking you to listen to a song that has ministered to and challenged my heart greatly over the years. It's words and melodies are infused with truth and hope that I pray the Lord will use to break and heal you simultaneously. So right now,  right here.....maybe you should get away from everyone? Possibly put in your headphones and make yourself a quite space and click HERE. You and I both need this truth.

Persevere and be brave, loved ones

Sometimes....

 ....I just grab the camera and wander around outside, snapping away. I just can't get enough of being outside enjoying the simple, refreshing glories God has made. Especially this time of year! I want to capture it all. 

Sometimes Jonathan buys me things like these boots that I really wanted. And then I put them on and wonder if this was a good or bad fashion decision for Fall. But I end up liking them after all.

(I think)

Sometimes, when the local restaurant we wanted to go to is closed for the day, we end up having Subway down by the river. And I don't complain, because (sometimes) unexpected plans are best of all. 

Sometimes I get *intense cravings. This time it was for baked goods. Muffins, scones, doughnuts. I wanted them all. NOW. So Jonathan was a dear and stopped on the way home (after working all night) and brought me doughnuts. And then sometimes we try new things like making scones! Yay, homemade scones! Which are uuhhmazing with coffee of course :)

 

Sometimes (actually all the time) I get really excited about getting things in the mail. Like photo books and prints of our photography. 

 And sometimes? It's hard to admit, but I have bad days. Like, tear-stained and exhausted kind of days. And I cry to Jonathan because, even though I don't understand why, I sometimes doubt that he really loves me.  It's not because he doesn't show it (trust me, the man bringing me doughnuts on demand is barely scratching the surface of the ways he shows me his love). He is a wonderful, tender husband and it's not his fault. It's mine. 

And then sometimes God shows me that when I doubt Jonathan's love for me, I'm ultimately doubting that He loves me. That's what it all boils down to: the sin of not trusting God. He loves me way more than I deserve in a fierce, intimate way that I often toss aside and fail to see. All the blessings of new boots and sunsets and baked goods and time with my love and little beauties everywhere are all a testimony of His good, wholesome love for me. I simply need to repent of trusting my fickle emotions and claim God's empowering truth that He sings over me. 

I am loved by I AM.

Not sometimes. Not some days.
But every day. Yes, even on hard days.

All the time.

I am loved by I AM.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing. 

(Zephaniah 3:17)

*Intense cravings are not an indication that Breanne 
pregnant. When and if Breanne ever becomes pregnant
she will not drop subtle hints. She will be open and excited
to share the news with everyone. So, until you hear directly
 from Breanne, do not assume that Breanne is pregnant. 
Thank you.