Learning, Adjusting & Loving

Early morning feedings. Washing more than just dishes in our sink  Multiple daytime naps. Juggling household chores + baby watching. Long evenings of trying to convince our little person that sleep is a good thing (we promise it is, buddy). Realizing that life hasn't stopped, just slowed down a bit and that it's all ok. 

Our lives have changed. 

I'm still a bit in shock that we're parents now; that this little person is ours to keep. Learning his needs and wants and personality has been quite the adventure. It's not always easy, but we've been given a holy gift in the form of Behr Owen and I'm humbled to be entrusted with him. 

Things are harder but more sweet than they were before. I'm somehow simultaneously aware of my ability for great love and great selfishness all at once. God is working here in our home and heart and that process can be quite messy at times. There have been tears and days of feeling defeated but Jesus is providing grace (and thankfully more sleep now). We're all still a bit shaky as we take these first steps as a family of three; it's all so new! But I can see that we're steadily moving forward and slowing figuring out what works for us. 

Obviously I don't have the same amount of free time on my hands that I did before. I don't have multiple hours to write and edit pictures for this blog or time to get the house to look just so. But what I do have time for is investing eternally in the life of my husband and son. It's something that I honestly (and to my shame) take for granted so much.  Forgive me, Jesus.  

Yesterday we went out to run some errands. Just an outing for the normal things, grocery shopping, grabbing some lunch, etc. I don't know exactly when it happened, maybe it was in the dairy aisle, maybe it was when I saw these pictures that Jonathan snapped of us before we left the house, but I began to feel this beautiful settling in my spirit. 

Things may be different, yes. Learning all this may feel like an awkward, clumsy experience at times, but this is my life now. The season of motherhood has begun and what a miraculously sacred gift it is. 

"And so we welcome this new season, whatever it may bring, because we must, because to press on as we have been doing hurts too much. Instead of fighting the changes and the transitions -- what if we leaned into them instead?"

-Emily Freeman

Of Learning To See

The light.

 It leaks gently into the room. I can see how it fringes out the window and my eyes flutter back closed. This is good. I think. This lying still and resting. His sleep-breathing sounds like ocean waves next to me. Rhythmic. Familiar. Comforting. 

Maybe I should get up. I know the list of things that needs to be accomplished around here; it taunts from the back of my mind. It's telling me that if we don't wake up and start working on things, then somehow we're failing. Somehow it's spinning a lie that constant productivity equals worth. And somehow I'm caught, all tangled, in that? Unless….

I stop. I observe what's happening now. It causes my heart to beat slower, calmer.  I remind myself that, with the baby coming, days like this are quickly slipping like water through my open fingers. If I don't stop to enjoy them now, they'll fall all too soon into the current and be swept away. 

It makes me sad, yes. But my breath is stolen with the fleeting grace of entering into this moment. I believe what makes some things so beautiful is how temporary they are. Like our first kiss, when he cupped my face gently and slowly brought my lips to his. I can still see it all clearly. The way his eyes were dancing and laughing and inviting me to join in. It all happened so fast but, there it is, imprinted on my mind forever because of the power of it's ephemeral beauty. 

This is another holy moment like that.

No, there's not any thrilling details or rip-roaring story here. It's just ordinary life happening. Wonderful, grace-filled, marvelously ordinary life. And I choose not to miss it. I tell myself that yes, there's still time to be productive and tackle that to-do list. But right now? I'm entering into this moment and and letting the full weight of it press near to my soul. I touch his hand and smile at his mess of dark curls. Time seems to slow as the radiance of all this seeps in with it's gloriously still fragrance. 

Oh, to live fully aware, Father. Give me eyes opened wide and wondering.

 It's hard for me to stop. Or rather, it's hard for me to be ok with stopping. But I'm learning--oh, so slowly!---that not only is it alright to stop all things and enjoy the one thing that's happening right in front of me, but it's needed as well. I'm learning to put down the phone. To turn off the camera. To stop talking. To stop doing. To stop 'the glorification of busy' and simply let Jesus show me how to enjoy His gift of life.

Please don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying this concept is to be used as an excuse to be lazy. In the ebb and flo of life, there are times of hard work, and pushing yourself and being wildly, diligently productive. I'm a firm believer in the need for that. But if that's all I do, than I miss these holy moments. I find myself looking back with regret because I only observed them casually instead of experiencing them for the absolute joy that Jesus designed them to be. 

Lord willing, we will be meeting our son in a very short while. Life for us will never be the same in such a wondrous, hard, joyful, challenging way. We're ready for it but please excuse us as we take time to enjoy one another in these last days of 'just us'. We're not dreading adding our baby to this life of ours but there's no way that this transition wasn't going to be a little bittersweet. 

So, in light of all that, we're sleeping in together on some days just because we can, reassuring each other a lot and realizing how absolutely thrilled we are that we have each other, especially now. The sink may have some dirty dishes in it, and the other guest room isn't finished like I hoped it would be, but I wouldn't trade these moments and how we're savoring them for anything.


"This looking and not seeing things was a great sin, I thought, and one that was easy to fall into. It was always the beginning of something bad and I thought that we did not deserve to live in the world if we did not see it."
-Ernest Hemmingway 

Today

one month until

the hurting begins

the sweat and tears come, salty on my skin

the swaying and heaving starts

and the 'just keep breathing' repeats

the shaking, and pushing

the clutching tight

and then

this joyous meeting 

your crying out and our hearts answering

us reaching to touch you, finally

 the end of waiting 

our eyes locking into one another

and the all grace and glory of that 

is 

a call to not give up

the fuel, flaming us to finish this 

our banner cry through the waiting days

a burning light leading us home

and our hope that will not disappoint 

p.s. I feel like maybe this post needs to come with a little 'disclaimer' so here it is: 

As of right now, we've been told that our son should arrive around the second week in July. But as we all know, things don't always go as planned or hoped. He could come early, he could be late, his time on this earth might be way shorter than we thought it would be. Who knows what could happen? I sure don't, but I still believe the words you just read up there would still apply no matter what the outcome of our baby's 'birth story' may be.

I didn't write any of this to depress you but just to say that we're giving it all up to Jesus.  He's got a plan for our son and all we can do is take it one step at a time. He knows what's coming. Due dates, potential health issues, natural birth vs. c-sections; all included. We may not know the future but we do know Him and that's all we need. Jesus, our Hope.

#whatourhouseandmyheartreallylooklike

If you've known me for any period of time, you'll know how much I value good ol' fashioned honesty. But me saying that doesn't mean that it's something that always comes easy for me. So I'm challenging myself to be more open and honest in this post about something that I get very frustrated with: our home. 

Now wait, you're thinking: Why would she get frustrated with her house? It's all cute and stuff, I've seen pictures and everything!

Well...if you thought that, I'll just stop you right there and say that I'm photographer. That means I know how to work angles. I know how to 'style a shot'. And I'm pretty handy when it comes to using an editing program. It's true. If there's a telephone pole ruining the back of my shot, or I'm having an acne breakout in that portrait, I can whisk it away with no problem. 

Whoosh! Voila! Perfect images. Snap! snap! snap! 

Now don't get me wrong, I try to make our images (professional or personal) as real and as beautiful as they can be. I love being able to edit pictures but I don't believe in 'over-editing'. I simply adjust or remove things that deter from the message I want our pictures to convey. It's what I do, my form of art. But sometimes, in our day-to-day life pictures, it can come across that we always have a clean, uniquely decorated and cozy little house. 

Ha. hahaha. haha. 

In a word….nope. 

So I'm taking time to share some views of our home that you maybe haven't seen before 

(let's get down to the nitty-gritty's).

Here's a shot from our living room. Not too bad, right? Look closer. Please notice the adorable yard-sale chair. It sadly doesn't match our walls and I put it there for the lame reason that I don't have any other place for it right now. You might've also spotted Sadie's rawhide bone on the wooden chest. She just leaves it wherever and picks it up later. And finally, that's not cool bokeh effect in the window, that more gifts from Sadie. I desperately need to clean where she's smudged it up so badly. 

Sadie in her typical spot in the living room. What you don't see it is that the floor is probably coated in fur. She sheds a lot and keeping up with it is a daily battle (that I often lose).

Two images that are very normal around here. The couch cluttered with random things that I'm working on and part of our unfinished wall in the dining room (notice the renovation residue + artifacts). 

Ah…the baby's room. It's quickly becoming my favorite part of the house and has had the most improvements of any room in the house lately. If you've been following me on Instagram, you've seen little peeks of it and you might think you know what it looks like. I just haven't shown anyone the mess that's in there right now. His crib is full of curtains that need to be hung and a giant stuffed animal lion. There's boxes on the floor full of his clothes/toys/baby supplies and it's going to look like that until I clean out the one closet in there that's full of assorted junk. 

Also, here is Sadie pictured with a random kitchen chair (that was here when we moved in) and a piece of the sectional in our living room that (once again) doesn't have anywhere else to go right now. We're getting rid of the chair and eventually buying a new couch so both these things are on their way out. Sometimes plans just take longer than you originally thought :)

 With the baby due in July, comes with it a small bit of anxiety. I'm not just referring to labor and delivery here, I'm talking about our house. It's not finished. There are many projects that we're chipping away at but I know we don't have time to finish them all up before our son arrives. That means that everyone who's coming to see the baby will also see this house in all of it's unfinished-unpainted-untrimmed-and-unmatched glory. And you know what? That's ok.

But I'll be honest. Getting to that point (and I'm not all the way there yet) has been hard for me. Really hard. I've complained to Jonathan a lot, to the point that I've flat out discouraged him by how ungrateful I am for the house God's provided for us. Isn't that sad? I suppose this post turned out to be not so much about the 'unattractive' parts of our house but more about the ugliness of the sin in my own heart. 

Thank You Jesus for Your forgiveness and grace.

And praise God for helping me to see, not what makes this place our house, but what makes it our home:  Our bed that sags more on one side than the other because we sleep so close together there. The worn down pillows on the couch from where we've watched many movies and tv shows and laughed and snuggled through them all. The smudged up stove from meals I've been able to cook for us. The dusty tables, the never-ending laundry and all the repairs yet to come. It just shows me that…hello…we live here.

 We live. 

Here. 

In all this right now. 

Isn't that amazing? And wonderful? And something that I need to stop missing out on because I'm waiting for something better? 

No, this isn't what I want things to look like forever, and no I'm not giving up on bringing everything in this house to it's beautiful potential but I am giving up on the pursuit of perfection and trying to impress everyone.

The curtains that don't match, the walls that aren't finished and the floor that needs replacing is our life right now. It just is. We're working on it, but we're choosing to live in it too. So when you come over this July to celebrate our son's arrival, don't expect a completed work of Home & Garden, Pinterest worthy perfection. I may blush when you see the size of the dust bunnies under the table, I may apologize for that hole in the wall but I do want to welcome you here despite all that. This is our home and I'm so glad you're here. So come on in, let's just do real life together, ok? 

Whew…if you're still reading this after all that, bless you. I wish I could give you a high five right now. Instead, I'll end this post with some up-to-date baby belly shots because I know you are just dying to see how big we're getting ;) 

33 weeks

34 weeks

And just to keep this whole honesty thread going, look at the right picture. See my tired, kinda puffy eyes? Yea, I noticed them as well when I went to edit that picture. But I posted it anyway because I look happy. Really happy (psstt…that's because I am). Sure, I'm dealing with house frustrations and life frustrations. And sure, I'm at the point in the pregnancy where sleep takes planning, back rubs from Jonathan and many well-placed pillows but...I'm happy and I'm living. More than that, I get to live this life with Jesus walking beside me, my husband holding my hand and our son tucked all snug inside me. 

Wow, just...wow. I truly hope I never recover from the wonder of living in all this. The honest-to-goodness beauty for me to treasure, all of it, a holy gift.

Beautifully Busy Weekend {part 4}

'Maternity Session'

All the photographs of Jonathan and I were taken by my sister, Emily.

 I'm so grateful she took time to do this for us. I treasure these images with all my heart. 

Some of my very favorites of us ever. 

I've looked over these pictures again and again over the past week. Every time I do it touches my heart in a most tender place. I dearly love this man and I know how much he cherishes me. It literally bleeds through in these images. The way he holds me, the way my eyes light up when he gives me 'that look'. I try not to gush too often, because I know how annoying it can be to others, but y'all….we're head over heels in love. As in, we still can't get enough of one another. As in, we spend as much time as we possibly can together. As in, we've seen the ugly sides of each other and we still choose to love. Every day. 

But you know the most beautiful part? It's all Jesus. I know that love like this doesn't come from ourselves. We're sinful, fleshly creatures. But because we've been redeemed by the grace of Jesus Christ, Jonathan and I can experience a small taste of what life was like before the Fall. We are known by one another, in all the beautiful, imperfect and sometimes difficult ways, and unashamed. In this, we have become one. 

Oh, Praise to our Father! 

And there, as we embrace one another, I see the way my middle curves outward. How even now, our son is enveloped inside me, waiting to be delivered into our arms. This child made from love to be loved has already been welcomed into our circle. Our Creator is indeed wondrous, for only He could ordain beauty like this. To be loved and chosen by Him to be part of the whole that makes up our little family. We are overwhelmed by it all and humbled to be gifted with such glory as this. 

"And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."

John 1:16

Motherhood - Weeks 26 & 27

"Yes, let this moment be just as You intend it! Yes, Your will be done and not mine! 

Yes ---You propose, ask for my life an eternity to love --- and I say Yes! This is the year 

of yes, to look in the mirror and say, "Yes, He made you this way and it is very good! Yes, 

you can try! Yes, be creative! Yes, laugh and yes, give it a whirl, and yes, 

it's really okay, don't be afraid!"

-Ann Voskamp from When You Can't Figure Out What the Answer Should Be

Looking at these pictures from the last couple weeks feels, in many ways, surreal. There's no denying this pregnancy now, and I wouldn't want to. It's just strange to catch a glimpse of my silhouette in the mirror these days. Strange to see the changes and think about what they really mean. 

 Is that me, with my belly all curved out because of our growing miracle inside?
Have I really been given the adventurous + delightful + sobering title of mother?
Can Jesus equip me to bear this child, not only now, but every moment that I will be entrusted with him?

The answer to all of these is, of course, Yes.

Yes. That word. Just three small letters but they come with so much fullness.  I pray to humbly accept any Yes that Jesus gives. More than that, I pray I trust that He will never give me a No without opening me up to some known or, perhaps at the time unknown, Yes. It's about His will and not my own. We all know that beloved verse in Romans 8 that reveals the promise of Him working all things for good. His good. Our good. And in the seasons of No (for they will eventually come) I can cling to that familiar truth; genuinely taste and see that He is still good.

With all the excitement of knowing I'm a mother, comes with it a weighted reality. I'll admit to my trepidation when I think about what this new season of life will contain. There are many questions and fears and nervous butterflies. But….Jesus speaks and He says, Yes.
Yes, My grace is sufficient. 
Yes, there is great joy ahead. 
Yes, with Me you. can. do. this.

And for now, I'm saying simply amen to all the glory to be found in that. The glory of grace and kindness and Yes in Christ Jesus.

Thank you, Father

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him. 

That is why through Him that we utter our 

Amen to God for His glory."

2 Corinthians 1:20

Spring Updates

Our time has mostly consisted of dust and nails these days. Almost every room in the house is cluttered, in need of a deep cleaning, and driving me a little crazy. BUT…as Jonathan has to remind me fairly often, we're making progress! Pickle's room is coming along nicely and we've even been able to get some yard work done. Winter was hard on our place and now that Spring has arrived we're able to take strides in the wonderful world of DIY home improvement. If you've ever had to live in a house that's also being renovated, you know how it is:

 First you're all, "Yay! We're finally starting on projects! This is going to look great!" And then after about a week or so, you find yourself wandering through the wasteland of dust and bare drywall, rending your clothes in mourning, and saying, "When will it end?! Woe is me and all the disaster that has befallen us!" (Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but seriously…that may or may have not been me these past few weeks. We'll just blame the pregnancy hormones and call it a day, ok? Ok.) 

ANYway…all that to say, I'm super thankful for my hard working husband. This guy works three days of twelve hour shifts and then gets up and starts working just as hard on our home when he's off. Is he a superhero or what?

Poor Sadie…she's had to stay in her room a lot lately because of the renovations.

{preggo update}

In these pictures, me + Pickle are at 24 and 25 weeks. Where has the time gone?! The weeks are really flying by now and I kinda feel like I'm holding on for the ride. It's thrilling and a little scary to say the least. 

Pickle is doing great! We got to see him on an ultrasound this week and he was being extra photogenic. He grabbed his feet, wiggled a toe, sucked his thumb and overall acted adorable. I think I could watch him all day. We're humbly grateful to Jesus that he is healthy and developing normally, it's something that I strive to not take for granted. As for me, I'm also doing very well. Besides the typical aches and frustrations that go along with this stage of pregnancy, there's really nothing to report. I may get tired sooner, be a little more emotional, and have some trouble sleeping but it's been nothing out the norm for this pregnant mama. Although I will say that I'm starting to struggle with the whole 'body image change' thing. I'm getting bigger! And as anyone knows that brings out insecurities. 

Some days my attitude is:

 "Oh, look at my beautiful pregnant body! It's carrying my son and I'm so proud! Look at what my body is capable of!" 

And other days, I'm all: 

"You mean I'm gonna be bigger than this?! I feel like hot air balloon already! But, Jonathan, I feel ugly….are you sure you still like me? But really, DO YOU?" (He's always quick to assure me that he most certainly does and then I usually cry it out and we move on).

 Really I believe that the remedy for 'not feeling beautiful' is calling it out to yourself as the sin that is; not that I'm perfect at it, but I'm trying! And having the loving support of my Heavenly Father, husband, friends + family makes all the difference in the world. My sisters and girlfriends have over and over have refrained from the typical "You're getting SO big!" (Which is a harmless and true statement, but can be hurtful to a pregnant woman. Trust me.) And have instead, said things like, "You're so beautiful! Don't ever think you're not pretty, 'cause you are! Pregnancy looks so cute on you!" They may be small statements but they've really encouraged me and gave me confidence. Oh, and a quick shoutout to my sister Beth for letting me borrow some of her maternity clothes. I absolutely adore this striped shirt and the way it shows off Pickle. Thanks, Sissy! 

Week 24

Week 25

And let me just say how thrilled I am about Spring being here! Can I get an 'amen'? We're enjoying the fresh breezes, drinking coffee on slow mornings together, and the deliciously beautiful sunlight. Praise God for this change of season! It's been such a relief from the very harsh winter we experienced. 

So there you are, a not-so-little blog post to give you an update on Jonathan & me + Pickle. This stage of life for us may be a little hectic and stressful, but it's good. We're very busy this month and the next with house renovations and travels. We have trips planned to Tennessee, Illinois, and Maine (yay!). Which also means that this blog might not get updated as much as I would like, but thanks for following along anyway! 

ps. A little peek at a new project I'm working

on currently and so excited about. Can't wait 

to share more!