Learning and Stretching and Loving

It's still weird, and so beautiful, to me that Jesus has made me a mother. It makes me feel so many things all at once. (Me? A mom? Yay a baby! Wait, I'm not ready! Is it time to hold my child yet?!) I'm scared of the challenges and changes ahead but joyous over the gift I've been given. There's already been ups and downs to the whole motherhood thing, and believe me, I know it's juuuust the beginning. I know that, really, this part of my life has barely started, but experiencing even the preliminaries of it all has been something needed for me. I heard the lines of a Mat Kearney song while I was writing this post that simply said,"....learning to love again..." I couldn't think of a better phrase to describe what I feel God is teaching me right now. I'm encountering new levels of love in many aspects of my life: 

for myself: 

in the learning to appreciate how my body is changing and stretching, learning to love how God created me to bear this child.

for our growing child inside me:

in the way I realize that loving our baby will take time. I might not feel an overwhelming, thrilling connection every second of every day to him/her. That's not what love is anyway. It's making the daily choice to cultivate a true relationship, to put it's needs above my own, to invest. Because I can't physically hold, soothe, correct, have a conversation with, etc. with the babe yet, right now 'investing and cultivating' is simply seeing that it's .not. all. about. me. My baby needs me to take care of myself. (Take vitamins! Drink water! Cut back caffeine! Proper exercise! REST! Wait for Jonathan to come escort me around so I don't fall on the sheets of ice everywhere!) Whatever needs to happen in order to nourish and keep the baby safe during this time needs to be done regardless of how I may feel. It's how I can love on our babe even now. 

in my relationship with Jonathan:

I don't know what it is, but our marriage has gotten much deeper and richer. We've been through very hard things together in the past year: death of close family members, almost losing a job, separation, pregnancy (yes, pregnancy is wonderful but it is also hard...on both of us). We've come through all those things stronger. There's an incredible joy we've both noticed with each other that's increased over time. By God's grace, this whole marriage thing really does get sweeter by the day. I don't deserve an earthly relationship like this. 

and finally in my relationship with my Heavenly Father:

Fear of the unknown future as always been a struggle of mine. To be blunt, it's sin and I need to treat is as such. Thank God for His patience and love with me. He has calmed me and convicted me when I needed it. Through all this He's taught me that He loves me very, very intimately.

In summary: you may ask, 'What's it been like, finding out and learning motherhood so far?' It's hard for me to answer, mostly because it's still so new and I have so much to learn but words that come to mind are: Strange. Wonderful. Physically exhausting. Thrilling. Emotional. Beautiful. Hard. Joyful. 

As I said before, I'm simply learning to love again and what an adventure it has been so far. 

Ok, now that we're done with the serious stuff (just kidding, but really) and since this post is about becoming a mom, I suppose it's appropriate to share one of the ways I'm becoming like my mom. You see, I'm an self-diagnosed paper nerd. I love journals, notebook paper, pencils, hand written letters, etc. I get this from my mom, and I'm totally alright with that. Recently she gifted me with what you'll see pictured below. She has one and has been trying to talk me commit to one for awhile now. I'll not go into all the juicy details, but let's just say that when I opened the package I squealed out of excitement. It's just sooo perfect for my needs right now. And the color! That heavenly color of teal that I may or may not obsess over a little too much at times. Let me introduce to you, my planner. 

I totally understand if this isn't you're thing but I'm pretty excited about it. To save you from boring details, I'll sum it up by saying that this planner has my calendar, grocery list, daily reminders, wallet, to do list, tid-bit journal, business info, address book, and baby needs all wrapped up in one beautiful and portable (fits in my purse) place. It's just so dang handy for a scatter-brained person like me. So yea, I'm unashamedly and strongly recommending this to all you ladies out there. Go get you one!

 And thank you, thank you, thank you Mom for such a thoughtful and useful gift, you're amazing.

If you're still reading this lengthy post, bless you. I'm just now getting back to regular blogging and it feels good, kind of therapeutic even. I guess all my pent up writing spills out at once when I actually take the time to sit down and do it.  Allllll that to say, here's how my life is going, here's how me and Jonathan are, and thank you for taking time to read and follow along with us! 

I'll end with my latest letter to Baby Rodgers below. 

Dear Pickle, 

I'm so glad that when you finally get here it will be warm outside! It's been so so cold here and it gets to me at times. Me and your Dad love the snow, but I'm so ready for everything to thaw out and meet you that it's making it reeeaaallly hard to wait. We should find out if you're a Boy Rodgers or a Girl Rodgers at our next appointment in about two weeks. Either way, your Dad says you're a snowboarder ;) I have felt small movements from you here and there. My breath catches every time. It's just thrilling to have physical confirmation of your presence inside me. Keep growing, ok? I really notice the bump you're making in my body, I just want everyone else to see it and notice you too! We all love you so much already. For now, you're safe and warm inside, and I love that. We're connected. Me, you and Daddy. I hold you inside, he holds us. We're a family now. And as much as we're looking forward to really being able to touch you and smell you and look at you, we're so enjoying this miraculous part of our lives right now.

Love, 

Mom & Dad